INFORMATION FOR CHILDREN & YOUNG PEOPLE
Is anyone actually listening to me?
We see this as the most important question. As a child or young person you do have a right to a voice in decisions that affect your life. This page is a work in progress, so if you have thoughts about what would be useful to see here, or questions you have please send Sarah a message using our contact page.
Is anyone listening?
Well we are. We want children and young people to have a voice which is why we encourage, whenever we think it is suitable and safe to do so, child inclusive mediation.
That does not mean that children or young people are pushed into the roll of decision maker, parents still decide, however, that should be with an understanding of what is important to you.
How does it work?
We work with your parents first and then arrange to have a chat with you (and your siblings if you have any). You can say whatever you like to the mediator, but your conversation is confidential so the mediator will only repeat what you have said with your consent, so if you want to get something off your chest in private, go for it. We are a safe space.
The mediator then meets with your parents to say to them anything we have your consent to pass on. Your parents then have an opportunity to think about you, and any siblings you may have, and try to make the best decisions they can for you.
Why is it a good idea?
Sometimes, when mum's and dads are going through relationship break-ups they can get caught up with all the upsetting and difficult decisions they are dealing with. They can feel very hurt or angry at the other parent because of what is happening to the adult relationships. That can make it difficult to hear the other parent objectively. When you speak, through a mediator, it is likely to be more powerful, and can help them make better choices.
Do I have to do it?
No, you don't have to do anything. However, most of the children and young people we have spoken to over the years have said that they found it helpful, and are glad they did. Mediators are kind people who want to help (at least they are at Green Light Mediation!). We don't side with any grownups. We are only on your side, oh and we love talking to children and young people! The specialist mediators that speak to children and young people have an extra qualification and we all prefer talking to children and young people to adults, so we hope you will choose to have a chat with us.
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Who is affected the most by separation: boys or girls?
There is mixed opinion on whether boys or girls are affected most by the breakdown of a relationship. Although there is evidence showing that boys find separation more upsetting to begin with, there is also evidence that the effects on girls are more likely to last longer. Studies also seem to show that boys find it easier to adjust to step families than girls, particularly if the girl is in early adolescence.
Older boys and girls tend to find it more difficult to adjust to step families than younger children. It is has also been suggested however, that younger children may not be aware of their parents’ marital problems and so the separation itself may be a greater shock. This in turn can result in greater confusion and anxiety, and may lead to children blaming themselves for the separation.
We don't want you to blame yourselves for anything, you did not cause any problems your parents might have. If what is going on at home is making you feel anxious or depressed, you can tell your mediator, a teacher, or other professional if it feels too difficult to talk to your mum and dad right now.
What is child inclusive mediation?
WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPACT ON YOUR CHILDREN?
Child Psychotherapy Trust provides information on children’s emotional development, leaflets only www.childpsychotherapytrust.org.uk.
We may be able to offer workshops for couples seeking to protect their children from the effects of separation and divorce. Please email us to indicate an interest : info@greenlightmediation.co.uk
Royal Institute of Psychiatrists:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyouthinfo/parentscarers/divorceorseparation.aspx
Penelope Leach:
www.mindfulpolicygroup.com/family-breakdown-book/
Contact your child's school: If your child is dealing with a major life change, it may be helpful to ensure the school is aware so that they can help support and also let you know of any concerns to help you support at home.
The National Association of Child Contact Centres
Research by the Ministry of Justice studying the views of children who have been through the court process have shown that commonly they are very angry and feel that their voices were not heard.
Child inclusive mediation is a specific model of mediation that includes a separate meeting with a child/children so that they can have their voice heard. It is useful for children over 10 years and can enable arrangements to be much more child focused and avoid children feeling conflicted and pulled in two directions.